So, you wish to know more about me, young grasshopper? Allow me to share the amazing tale of my life, so that you may become illumined on this most illustrious of humans, a man more interesting than that clown on the Dos Equis commercials.
The man known as Chad Rasnake was born 856 years ago on a small planet orbiting a star in the Argolis cluster. It was prophesied that the arrival of a child with a birthmark shaped like a tentacle would herald the planet’s destruction. When a child was born with just such a birthmark, panic ensued (this would not be the last time he inspired such emotion). The child, tentacle and all, was loaded into a rocket-powered garbage scow and launched into space. Unfortunately, the rocket’s exhaust ignited one of the spectators’ flatulence, resulting in a massive explosion that detonated the planet’s core, destroying the world and killing everyone on it.
Oblivious, the dumpster containing the infant sped on. It crashed on a small blue world due to a freakish loophole in the laws of nature that virtually guarantees any object shot randomly into space will always land on Earth. The garbage scow remained buried in the icy wastes of the frozen north until Rasnake awoke in 1901. Unfortunately, a passing Norwegian sailor accidentally drove a boat through his head, causing him to go back to sleep for another 23 years.
When he awoke from his torpor, Rasnake looked around at the new world he found himself on. His first words were, “Hey, this place sucks.” Disguising himself as one of the planet’s dominant species of semi-domesticated ape, he wandered the Earth until he ended up in its most disreputable slum – Paris, France, where he took a job as a can-can dancer.
When the Crimean War broke out around France, Rasnake assisted Nikola Tesla and Galileo in perfecting the scanning electron microscope, which was crucial in driving back the oncoming Communist hordes. It would later be said that without his assistance, the war would have been lost. He was personally awarded a Purple Heart by the King of France.
After that, Rasnake traveled to America, and immediately adopted the Third World nation as his new home, seeing it as his job to protect and enlighten it. When the Vietnam War began, he immediately volunteered and served in the Army of the Potomac under Robert E. Lee and General Patton. During the war, he killed dozens of Nazis, most of them with his bare hands.
Marching home from war across the floor of the Atlantic Ocean, stark-naked and freezing, Rasnake wound up on the shores of Mexico. He spent several years there, drinking tequila with Pancho Villa and James Dean. Eventually, Rasnake returned to his adopted home of America, where he began writing fiction in various forms.
I give you my solemn vow that very word of this biography is true, if only in the sense that every word of this exists in the English language.
Eldritch Engines is many things – a blog about writing, a repository for things I’ve written, an outlet for creativity, a shameless plug for any books I have for sale, a personal web site, a place to interact with fans (assuming I have any fans – all bets are off) and more.